Joke Junction

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed,

“God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed,

“God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

A couple of women were playing golf one Saturday afternoon. the first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole!!!!

Indeed the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in the event of agony. The women rushed down immediately to the man and began to apologise. She said “please allow me to help, I’m a physical therapist and I know how to relieve your pain if you allow me!!!”

“uump nooo , I’ll be alright, just give me a few minutes” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently laid his hands to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands on his penis and started to massage him. She then asked him ” how does that feel” He replied ” that feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell”!!

During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.”

“What about you Peter, how would you say it?” Peter said, “I’m sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better” she said, “but it’s still not very nice to use the word bathroom at the dinner table.”

“And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
I would say, “Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to go shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I look forward to introducing you to right after dinner.”

The teacher was speechless.

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.

The waiter came and took their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a cheesecake,” said the second piggy.
“I want beer, lots and lots of beer,” exclaimed the third little piggy.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy,
“But why have you only ordered beer all evening?”

You’re gonna LOVE me for this….

The third piggy says -
“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM ” He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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